I feel that the only relief to my sad feeling tonight will be to write to you.  I wish to be home so badly that I would gladly give all that I have and ever will have just to spend an hour with you.  However, my purpose here is to do the very best I can and do my duty and I will not under any circumstances deviate from the strictest rules of sensitive honor.  Our country demands the services of her loyal sons and to her call I have taken oath and to my oath I will be true.  Some men have left our ranks without leave and others lay up in the hospital with imagined illnesses.  I will not partake in such foolish behavior.  I hope you understand and will wait for my return.  Earlier today as we traveled west, our company happened upon various discarded items.  Apparently the Union infantry had been marching along this same road some days earlier.  We suspect that these men were new to this conflict for their haversacks were overloaded as new recruits are likely to do.  Soon the unnecessary items found their way from their owners and were dropped along the road.  The horses had not been walked in a while so we decided to dismount and while we walked leading the horses picked up some of the more interesting things.  Each man comparing his findings with the other.  Overall, we found the majority of the items to be of little value and so discarded them also.  Several men kept some of the things like playing cards or an extra tin cup.  One lucky trooper found a well made quilt perhaps crafted by a loving mother or wife and strapped it to his saddle.  This item can be easily carried by a horse but is too cumbersome to be carried on the back of an infantryman.  Two old newspapers and several books were found.  The papers were read and discussed as we walked and eventually one of the books was passed down the line to me.  Glancing through it, I was quite surprised to see that it was a book of Greek mythology, Virtus (book seven) by Statius, and I resolved to read it over the next few days.  The order was given to mount so I placed it in a saddlebag and we rode on towards Brooksville.

I have been reading the book I found this past Monday each night since by the light of the fire and its influence created for me a dream last night.  I would like to share it with you.  At this dream's inception, I had seen apparitions which at first I thought was the Greek Goddess Aurora with her fair complexion, her crimson blushes and her million charms and graces but soon found it was you, a lady infinitely dearer to me.  The dream played on in epic fashion with several gods coming into and out of it.  I perceived the noble gods including Mars who in his appearance with a hint of and my belief that he is saving a paradox for me at the time when it will be more effective.  Tisiphone represented the dominance of the battle-lust and the heroic desire to kill in battle but this I construed to another kind of heroism -- devotio, or dying for one's country.  However I see our defeats as a sacrifice and interpret them as necessary.  I then, while still in my dream, ask Clio herself: What god was it who applied to the youth the urge and delight in a noble death: stimulos et pulchrae gaudia mortis?  I received no answer only the sad glance and tear from her eye.  At this point I awoke and felt very strange.  This state of mind never comes to man without the presence of outside influences which I contribute to the found book.

We have arrived and hurry to set up camp.  The horses are tired and hungry.  There is not forage or oats for them and we suffer also.  Food has been scarce and forging parties are coming back with little.  We need supplies desperately if we are to go on.  Firewood is being cut and stacked and all hope the weather will hold.  We have been joined by other cavalry companies from Georgia and North Florida.  Men, left to their own devices, are currently engaged in the questionable sports of gambling, drinking spirits and such.  I will speak with some of the other officers and see if a game of base ball can be arranged for tomorrow morning.  The men need something to occupy their idle time.

General Hardy agreed to allow a game of rounders, also known as base ball, to be played this morning after colors.  Teams were chosen and the game began.  The men played hard as if their souls hung on the outcome.  It was a close game.  The game was well played but not all the players understood the rules.

It seems that every Confederate state is represented well here in our camp.  Our numbers are strong.

I return to this writing now, our scouts had found a force of Union men just north of the camp.  We assembled quickly and marched off to drive them from this area.  Word was that the home guard had met them at a bridge and were doing what they could to hold them.  We arrived just as the guard was driven back.  Our cavalry charged the Federal pickets who were immediately reinforced by their cavalry.  As the two cavalry forces battled each other, the infantry came forward to help and the artillery moved into position.  The Federal artillery got off the first shot which fell short and the armies advanced into what became a huge battle.  Men from both sides came onto the battlefield from every direction.  What a sight, artillery firing as fast as they could load, infantry pushing back and forth, the cavalry harassing from every side, the fighting was furious in every aspect.  Our losses climbed as the battle continued and soon we had to fall back.  Our line held for a moment but we had to retreat further.  Soon it was determined that our Confederacy would break off and regroup.  We marched back to camp and began to plan our attack.  Tomorrow is another day.

On this morning the 20th of January, reconnaissance developed that the enemy had drawn back from our left flank, but they maintained their position in front of us apparently assuming a new line parallel to the last one held by them yesterday.  We assembled and were soon to be ordered, into that position of death and annihilation and we will obey.  Providence will not grant victory to those who want for courage.  A short prayer was offered and soon the command given-- stand to horse, then, -- forward.  We paused behind our artillery as they loaded canister.  The Union steadily pushes to us their fire being rapid and skillful.  Their pace quickens, we wait for our command to charge.  Every man and horse sweats not from heat but from the uncertainty of what is about to occur.  Gen. Goodrich's artillery was prepared and as his cannon let loose with a battery volley, the Union line did not waiver but came quicker.  The artillery loaded again and again.  They fired once more and then the command to charge was given and as fast as the horses could go we galloped forward through the smoke of the artillery.  The charge was brilliant and deadly but yet somehow inspiring; the Union in their blue uniforms and we in our gray.  Sabers and bayonets flashing in the sunlight.  Choking smoke, flashes from guns and cannon, the deafening noise.  Infantrymen fell in every direction yet I felt a deceiving peace in knowing that somehow my horse and I would emerge from this mayhem uninjured.  We galloped on.  Before we could get to the Union line, half of our number went down as grass before the scythe.  The Yankee cavalry had been alerted to our intentions and charged to meet us.  The two armies came into collision in the midst of a tremendous infantry battle accentuated by the raining death of exploding artillery shells.  The Union advance became confused and the enemy fell back.  We now pushed them with renewed hope.  Further and further they fell back and even their hastily constructed earthworks could not hold us back; over the top and into the midst of the enemy we jumped.  The works were taken and the Union driven out.  At last we cornered them and those who had not perished surrendered.

Although this is called a war with noble purpose and I entered it with that utmost in my mind, I have come to see it never the less as sin.  I can name examples of all the seven deadly sins that I have witnessed relating to this war and where they apply and add an eighth; regret.  I am consumed with the regrets, weariness, and loneliness known only by a solider.  Should you still possess the photograph I sent you, I ask you, please do not look at it.  I currently bear it no resemblance in either form or spirit. I am truly sorry for us both.

Your husband